Wednesday, April 26, 2017

The overwhelming inconvenience of dealing with everything

I picked up the cheapest piece of shit laptop I could find sometime last year to use at work (you don't need much to do word processing, use google docs, e-mail, and calendar). Its wound up replacing my mac desktop and my iPad. The only real issue is the keyboard isn't back lit, so its a pain in the ass to type on in the dark.

Watervliet is way sketchier than Troy.

Watervliet is like Lansingburgh with fewer hypodermic needles scattered about.

There are a lot of dogs in Watervliet.

It took six months to hang half of our art in Troy. It took about six hours to hang almost all of it in Watervliet. Its amazing how much easier some walls/rooms are to balance than others.

I have purchased my first power tool.

We had breakfast at Bob's Diner this morning. It was surprisingly pleasant. I haven't been since I was a teenager. We used to go smoke packs of cigarettes there and drink coffee all night - and always ordered their shitty fryer apps like pizza straws (pizza logs now). I think we will probably wind up there fairly often, considering we are only a few blocks away. 

Cleaning up a dump that you are going to go live in and then going back to a pristine 'new' apartment that you are not going to live in much longer is a unique form of torture. 

Drawn out moving sounded good on paper, but I just want it to be over with

We (finally) bought a couch. J&I have been sitting in chairs since we moved to Troy. After a lot of kicking and screaming from me - we decided to go with comfort over design (I'll sit on a brick couch if it looks good). Itll be nice to sleep on it instead of a hardwood floor when I go to bed too late (most nights).

I wish I traveled more.

I wish I used my vacation time more. 

I have been looking almost daily at different bachelors offered completely online through SUNY.

I really hope to avoid the same mistakes I have made in the past. 

J&I are technically domestic partners, which means I can pursue a degree through her place of employment free of charge. Up to 6 credits a semester/18 a year. That translates to maybe...6 or 7 years to get a bachelors?...but its for free...so long as J doesn't find a different job (or domestic partner)

April 22nd was Earth Day. This article made me incredibly depressed. 'America's best idea'. Its hard to spend time in these places and not feel deeply connected to them. In my early twenties I spent a summer with this book , a National Parks Pass, and a Woodalls North American Campground Directory. I drove over 20,000 miles exploring the western US, these parks, and the land.

The marches for science are inspiring, even hopeful, yet their necessity breaks my heart.

The good thing about science is that its true whether or not you believe in it'

I have struggled with mental illness in one form or another for most of my life. This is pretty obvious if you have had any interaction with me. Its something I have just lived with and ignored.

When I signed up for health insurance this past June (for the first time since my early twenties), my primary reason was to 'deal with it'.

In the past 10 months I have tried four different anti-depressants at countless dosages. Its a very difficult thing to track, to understand. It takes at least a month for these drugs to build up a concentration in your blood that has a 'measurable' effect - but how can you compare how you feel today to how you felt six weeks ago? I have trouble comparing how I feel now versus just a few hours ago.

On a normal day I take an anti-depressant when I wake up. By the time I am home from work I will have taken at least three doses of a benzodiazepine (this is a problem in and of itself). I take a different anti-depressant before bed, which acts as a sedative. On a normal day I take at least five pills to attempt to function. And most days it is a struggle.

I often zone out while debating my self worth.

What is my contribution.

What reasons are there to be here?

Why should I stick around?

What am I doing?

What should I be doing?

Shouldn't I be doing something else?

Why haven't I done anything?

Its nearly impossible to not obsess over these things.

L'appel du vide

3 comments:

  1. Greg, I know we've never met so I'm sure it's a little weird that I consider you a friend. But we live in weird times and I definitely think there is such a thing as a cyber friend in places like blogs, Twitter and online forums. As your cyber friend, I am glad you have some insurance and are addressing any mental health issues. It's important and it often gets ignored.

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  2. I hope that your first power tool wasn't an electric toothbrush. A comfortable couch is essential to living in sketchy Watervliet. If I were you I would travel more and thus use more vacation time. i.e. a twofer. One debates one's self worth with the same consciousness that is being debated. You and Jill should be here and stick around because I would drive into the Hudson where the Bowtie theater will be without your pizza, biscuits, cakes, pies et al. Don't read about the environment or politics or watch TV news for a while. It can do wonders for your head. I have an 5k BTU AC unit that I can sell you for $7, 420 tax free. I have some books to give you. They are not difficult to read, jargon free and relatively short. What we are all going through today, Nietzsche went though alone in the late 19th century. And watch out for the increased dog shit in Watervliet, especially at night.

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  3. Oh, and don't fear giving your self space, even if it means letting go of everything. I don't mean to seem preachy because that doesn't do anyone any good.

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